Last Night's Conversation Between Me and a Stranger at Astro Diner

I'm dining alone and a man walks over to my table...

-Hi, I noticed your sweater (ed: it’s a coat) looks interesting and wondered if I might join you.

He looks harmless, like a Belle & Sebastian fan. He’s wearing two kinds of plaid, the male version of whatever this is:

-Sure.

He returns with his cup of coffee

-So, what’s your day been like?

-Just packing and cleaning up my apartment.

-oh really?

-Yes, I’m going to Texas on Thursday.

-Any particular reason?

-I’m doing South by Southwest.

-Oh! For uh, music, or….?

-Comedy.

-Comedy?

-Yes… What about your day?

-I played guitar for a little bit, applied for a job. A job in New York. I’m not going to get it.

-That’s the spirit. So you want to move to New York?

-Yeah, I tried to make a go of it here in LA and—

-It didn’t work out?

-No.

-What didn’t work out? Did you want to be in the entertainment industry?

-No, but I wanted to be around it.

-So what is it that you you do want to do?

-Make music, I guess.

-You guess? You don’t know what it is you want to do?

He ignores the very straightforward question and points at my notebook

-What are you writing there? Jokes?

-No, these are notes for an essay.

-I thought maybe you were writing jokes. I have jokes you know, I just don’t write them down because, I’m not a professional.

-Writing them down is how you become a professional.

pause

-I did an open mic once, in Austin. It was really bad.

-That’s usually how it goes at first.

-Have you been doing comedy for a while?

-I guess so.

-When did you do your first open mic?

-August of 2015.

-Wow…. Let me ask you, I mean like, how did you get over… I mean, what made you keep going, if it felt bad to do it?

-I saw people who made it look fun and easy and I was excited figure out how to get there. The excitement was bigger than the feeling of being bad.

He looks like I just told him he’s a piece of garbage.

-So… your sweater, or coat, I guess… that’s really interesting. Where did you get it?

-My boyfriend gave it to me for Christmas last year.

-Huh.

My food comes, a naked hamburger patty with a scoop of cottage cheese and some tomato slices from the “diet menu”. There is silence as I place the tomatoes on top of the patty and cut it into small squares. He speaks again.

-Do you know Summer Emerald?

-No. Should I?

-I don’t know, I just thought… I was trying to think of comedians that you and I would have in common. She does these hilarious videos online. She did one about like, her pet lizard’s instagram account… it’s so funny.

-Oh, I have seen that one. It’s very funny.

-I do have jokes, though…

I look up from my patty squares, saying nothing

…I mean, I have like one joke, that I could tell you…

-Uh huh.

-I mean, it’s just… Okay, so I’m talking with someone right, and they ask me like, oh what kind of shampoo do you use? And—

-Who’s asking you this?

-Just like, whoever. A friend.

-Do you sit around with your friends and talk about shampoo?

-No… I mean like… it’s just normal conversation. No one’s ever asked you what kind of shampoo you use?

-No.

-Well okay… so someone asks me anyway.

-Okay. Is this a sketch? Or is this you relating a story to the audience?

-What do you mean?

-I’m just trying to figure out what the context of this is.

-JUST LET ME TELL THE JOKE, OKAY!?

I say nothing. Amazingly, he goes on.

…so someone asks me oh, what kind of shampoo do you use? And then I say Head&Shoulders, right? And then they go, oh you must have dandruff then. And then I say no, because I use Head&Shoulders!

I am silent.

…It’s not really a joke, I guess.

More silence. I want to let it sit before I speak again:

-No, it’s more of a commercial. For Head&Shoulders.

-I guess so.

pause. I break the silence.

-This was all mildly amusing up until you yelled at me to listen to a shitty joke You can leave my table now.

-I’m sorry, I’ll leave you alone.

He gets up and leaves the diner, possibly the country. I go back to my hamburger patty.

Men are wild.

after he left